I am NOT trying to be manipulative/bitchy/bratty/snotty/snarky. I’m TRYING to tell you honestly and in the simplest words I can find how I feel and what I want and need from you.
I’m sure that you’ll notice I’m writing this instead of talking. That’s because you’ve expressed dislike with my habit for long pauses when I try to find the words I need to say things differently than I used to.
I’ve taken to heart everything you said to me over the last few months. I listen and I’m trying very hard to change myself into the perfect babygirl for you.
I’m sorry that I’m not doing a good enough job
I’m sorry that my broken messed up brain can’t remember what you say so I ask the same questions over and over again
I’m sorry that I bring up things that you said not to
I’m sorry that I’m so frustrating
I’m sorry that my need for reassurance is annoying
I’m sorry that I can’t express myself very well
I’m sorry that I’m so needy and annoying
I’m sorry that my anxiety and my demons are too much
You’re not the only one who gets frustrated and angry and upset with my need for reassurance My need for attention
My need for too much of your time
Even my mom gets sick of me
I’m sorry that I give you long, complicated answers what you want are short, simple ones
I’m sorry that I’m always apologizing
I’m sorry that when I’ve tried to tell you how I feel it comes out sounding like I’m giving you an ultimatum or that I’m jealous, or like the horrible old me that you would like to forget.
I must be an emotional masochist. I continually put myself in situations (especially in relationships) that are usually always guaranteed to trigger my issues.
All my life, I’ve been that “weird girl” the “family freak”. Not quite the one in the corner eating her hair, but sometimes not very far off. Before the Internet, my friends lived between two covers. They lived lives that were both fantastic and mundane, had adventures and travelled and were ALWAYS happy to see me. Nowadays, they live online, and we will probably never meet.
In the real world, I was (and still am) a freak. The socially awkward nerd with her nose stuck in a book. I can tell you how and why the Roman Empire fell. Understand and discuss the impact of global events on local politics. But I can’t bring myself to talk to my neighbors.
Compliments embarrass me. I’m a klutz. I don’t believe anyone really gives a damn. So when you ask me what’s wrong, I say “nothing”.
I’ve tried talking to you about all this few times. But you cut me off every time, frustrated with me because I brought up something you don’t want to talk about.
So this time, I wrote it down, hopefully, you will read the whole thing
I AM NOT JEALOUS
I AM NOT BEING GREEDY
I AM NOT TRYING TO BACK YOU INTO A CORNER OR GIVE YOU AN ULTIMATUM OR ACT LIKE THE PERSON YOU HATED
I love you
Perhaps far too much for my own good sometimes. I have loved you from the moment I met you, maybe even before that
I fell in love with the little boy that you want to forget
I fell in love with the techy geek
I fell in love with the man who spent far too long trying to save me from myself and nearly destroyed himself in the process
YOU are my safe space
Your VOICE silences my demons
Your TOUCH quiets the storm in my head
Your WORDS can either build me up or destroy me
Your ATTENTION (or lack thereof) will either slay the dragon or make him stronger
You’ve told me over and over again that all you want is the sweet, innocent girl you met almost 20 years ago
She’s right here
But what I need for you to realize is that if you want me to KEEP the babygirl you love so much, I need a few things from you.
Communication-When you tell me something and I asked for details (what/where/when)I’m not trying to be difficult or to trap you. I’m asking you to help me keep my anxiety in check by giving me facts to focus on. When you leave me in the dark, with no information, I start to doubt EVERYTHING you’ve told me
Regardless of what else is going on, we’ve always been able to talk about anything and everything. I understand that there are some things that you don’t want to talk about. Tell me that instead of just shutting me out
Punishment– that pain isn’t your thing, but when I break the rules, do something wrong, or don’t do something I’m supposed to, I need you to enforce whatever punishment we’ve agreed on
Please don’t take advantage of my memory problems. My father does that quite often. I don’t forget things on purpose. When I ask you something over and over, or I don’t remember something you’ve told me, I’m not trying to be difficult or manipulative. I genuinely do not remember. Or it may be that I’m looking for reassurance that I remember it correctly.
Please don’t abuse the trust I have in you. When I was young, my dad was the sun, the moon and the stars to me. I trusted him ABSOLUTELY. When he broke that trust, it shattered me. It’s been a VERY long time since I have allowed myself to be vulnerable. About 19 years to be exact.
Being GIVEN my submission is a privilege. A privilege that NO ONE else has ever had. I’ve had it taken, but never given it willingly.
Looking back, I’m realizing that all those times I was pushing the limits, out-of-control, I was kinda trying to manipulate you into being who you’ve become. The man who calls me on my shit, who pushes me, loves me, protects me and punishes me.
I loved the sweet boy you were then. I love the strong man you’ve become even more.