The post I started on Friday was a VERY different one than what you’re getting right now. That one was all about my wonderfully enlightened, cosmopolitan attitudes about being in a non-monogamous relationship.
How woefully naive I was. Here; see for yourself.
“Someone made a comment to me the other day about my relationship with Him. “Aren’t you jealous?” they asked, referring to the open nature of our relationship.
“NO. Why would I be?” was my answer. But the question got me thinking. About Love, monogamy, societal pressure and what it is that I really want.
Looking back, our relationship didn’t start out monogamous. That first year, when we were apart, we both slept with other people. Neither of us minded, neither looked at it as cheating. Because we had talked about it BEFORE anything happened.”
There was more to it, but that’s the part that matters. Like I said, woefully naive. And that naiveté nearly blew my relationship to hell in a handbasket.
I really don’t have a problem with an open relationship. To me sex is just a physical activity between two consenting adults. I have no problem if He wanted to have sex with other women. I was totally secure on my pedestal. Sure that no one could EVER take my place.
And no one really can. But they can make me share. This weekend I met the woman who holds that other piece of His heart. I didn’t know much about her before we came face to face. Name, rank & serial number as it were. And she knew the same about me. What I didn’t realize was the full extent of His feelings for her.
Honestly, I liked her right away. If I had met her somewhere we would get along great. But seeing them together hit me in a way I never could have predicted and didn’t understand when it happened.
When I saw them together, saw Him look at her, touch her, treat her the same way He does me, all my insecurities came rushing in. All my anxieties started screaming in my head
She’s never hurt Him the way you have.
She can do those things that I can’t
She’s better in bed.
She’s not broken
I was afraid. Afraid that someday He’s going to decide that I’m too much trouble. That my broken body and brain, my anxieties and insecurities would become too much to handle and someday He would walk away for good. Not very logical or very adult of me.
And it wasn’t ADULT me that reacted, it was LITTLE me. In that moment I was the proverbial kid who didn’t want to share their favorite toy. And I threw a temper tantrum. And every demon I have gleefully joined in the chaos.
In letting my emotional demons drive the car, I threw out my hard won serenity, that calm center that being submissive gives me. I yanked back the wheel of control and ran Him over with the car for good measure.
By doing so, I nearly lost everything.
Maybe it had to happen to get to where we ended up. Which was me & her sitting down and talking. Figuring out that we both love Him for the same reasons. He is that unshakable foundation, the calm in the eye of a hurricane, absolute unconditional love. He is strength, protection and shelter. He is comfort and safety. He is EVERYTHING a daddy is supposed to be.
‘WE’ walked away with a place to begin. And I walked away with a little more insight into what I need out of this whole relationship.