The hardest thing

Probably the hardest thing to deal with in life is endings.

The ending of a relationship you thought would last forever is probably second only to death.

A relationship that has lasted (in one form or another) for half of your life? 

How do you move on after that? 

You cry, you grieve, you tell yourself that you’re better off. Then something reminds you and you fall apart all over again.

That’s what I’ve been going through since the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  When Daddy decided he didn’t want me after all.

The other person in our triad took every opportunity to twist my words & actions. Turning into Iago and turning me into a villain.  

I’m not trying to paint myself as the innocent victim. But my sins were mostly committed a lifetime ago, by a person I no longer am.

It all goes to prove that you can never right the sins of the past. You can forgive, but some things, you can’t forget.

And the past…will usually bite you in the ass when you least expect it.

​Long-distance Daddy

Having a long distance relationship is difficult, no matter what the dynamic. Add in D/s, DDlg, bad cell service, poly and mental illness and it can be a recipe for disaster.

Granted, things are far easier today than they were 20 years ago when we dependence on pagers & landlines. But it’s still not for the faint of heart.

It’s difficult to tell what a person is really thinking or feeling when you can’t see or hear them. Sarcasm doesn’t translate well over text.

And it’s especially hard when you have anxiety and trust issues. Every time there’s a misunderstanding or miscommunication, I start worrying about if He’s REALLY happy with me or just going through the motions.

If He’s REALLY happy or just settling until He finds something better.

I KNOW it’s not true.  I KNOW that He loves me. The sheer number of times we’ve gotten back together. If He didn’t love me, if I wasn’t who He wanted, He would keep trying. Right?

I thought getting Daddy to give me rules would help. And knowing the expectations does make things easier. But what good are rules without punishments for breaking them?

I’m  ready for this. All of it. I’ve been wanting a D/s dynamic since we met. I’ve been waiting for Him to merge the ‘women are delicate/I can’t do that/that’s wrong’ part with the ‘if everyone involved consents & wants this it’s all good’ parts of His brain.

If life has taught me anything it’s taught me that you can’t live your life to please other people. You have to do what makes YOU happy. Being submissive, being controlled, being punished when I break Daddy’s rules, having someone to protect me (even from myself) is comforting for me. Knowing my place, having a purpose, being an essential part of someone’s life gives me peace of mind, quiets the monsters in my head.

Every time He wraps his hand around my throat & growls “MINE”. I feel a little safer. Every time He pulls me close & kisses my forehead, I feel a little more secure. Every time He touches me & asks “who do you belong to?”, my demons get a little bit weaker.

As usual, this ended up somewhere different from where it started out. But that’s life.

I Almost Lost it All

The post I started on Friday was a VERY different one than what you’re getting right now. That one was all about my wonderfully enlightened, cosmopolitan attitudes about being in a non-monogamous relationship. 

How woefully naive I was. Here; see for yourself.

“Someone made a comment to me the other day about my relationship with Him. “Aren’t you jealous?” they asked, referring to the open nature of our relationship.

“NO. Why would I be?” was my answer. But the question got me thinking. About Love, monogamy, societal pressure and what it is that I really want.

Looking back, our relationship didn’t start out monogamous. That first year, when we were apart, we both slept with other people. Neither of us minded, neither looked at it as cheating. Because we had talked about it BEFORE anything happened.”

There was more to it, but that’s the part that matters. Like I said, woefully naive. And that naiveté nearly blew my relationship to hell in a handbasket.

I really don’t have a problem with an open relationship. To me sex is just a physical activity between two consenting adults. I have no problem if He wanted to have sex with other women. I was totally secure on my pedestal.  Sure that no one could EVER take my place.

And no one really can. But they can make me share. This weekend I met the woman who holds that other piece of His heart. I didn’t know much about her before we came face to face. Name, rank & serial number as it were. And she knew the same about me. What I didn’t realize was the full extent of His feelings for her.

Honestly, I liked her right away. If I had met her somewhere we would get along great. But seeing them together hit me in a way I never could have predicted and didn’t understand when it happened.

When I saw them together, saw Him look at her, touch her, treat her the same way He does me, all my insecurities came rushing in. All my anxieties started screaming in my head

She’s prettier/skinnier/younger.
She’s never hurt Him the way you have.
She can do those things that I can’t
She’s better in bed.
She’s not broken

I was afraid. Afraid that someday He’s going to decide that I’m too much trouble. That my broken body and brain, my anxieties and insecurities would become too much to handle and someday He would walk away for good. Not very logical or very adult of me.

And it wasn’t ADULT me that reacted, it was LITTLE me. In that moment I was the proverbial kid who didn’t want to share their favorite toy. And I threw a temper tantrum. And every demon I have gleefully joined in the chaos.

In letting my emotional demons drive the car, I threw out my hard won serenity, that calm center that being submissive gives me. I yanked back the wheel of control and ran Him over with the car for good measure.

By doing so, I nearly lost everything.  

Maybe it had to happen to get to where we ended up.  Which was me & her sitting down and talking. Figuring out that we both love Him for the same reasons. He is that unshakable foundation, the calm in the eye of a hurricane, absolute unconditional love. He is strength, protection and shelter. He is comfort and safety. He is EVERYTHING a daddy is supposed to be.

‘WE’ walked away with a place to begin. And I walked away with a little more insight into what I need out of this whole relationship.