New Year, new me. Er, better me? Let’s go with different me. I’m back to my roots. My redhead ones that is. I started the process of going from black to red back before Thanksgiving.  Usually when I end up in a bad place emotionally,  I go all self-destructo girl. Generally my hair pays the price.

This time, I put myself out there, as soon as I could. I wasn’t ready to actually go out, but I talked to people (guys) online. Messaging back & forth. All completely anonymous, unless I chose to change that.

I’ve met a few of the guys I’ve been talking to. But I have some rules.

-Don’t like meeting me in public? Too bad, I’m horny not stupid.

-Start the conversation with a picture of your “pride & joy”? Buh-bye

-Expect to get my body or my submission just because your profile says Daddy/Dom/Master? Yeah, NO!

I’m not a 20-something with no self esteem who jumped into relationships that were guaranteed to damage me body & soul. 

40-something me knows that I might be difficult, I might have demons, but I’m damn well worth the wait.

And when I get down on myself, I’ve got the one, the only Harley Quinn to remind me who I am.

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The Difference Between Hurt and Harm

I never thought anybody would read what I write, much less take the time to comment.

In the last few days a few comments have made me take an objective look at one particular thing I wrote. 

In Fallen Angel I talked about pain being cathartic for me. 

Certain types of pain really are. I live in pain every day. I have a number of chronic illnesses that include pain. I’ve had arthritis since I was a teenager.

In addition to the physical pain, I have dealt with and lived with Bipolar disorderCluster B and Anxiety for most of my life. When I was younger, I allowed them to control EVERYTHING I did, and I left a LOT of wreckage behind me.

In learning how to deal with the emotional and physical pain in my life, I have used a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms. You name the vice and I’ve used it. 

In my teens it was cutting & eating disorders. Twenties was alcohol & weed. Thirties brought with them opiates. 

When Daddy came back into my life, He brought some things into focus for me.

I was utterly amazed that He was willing to give me another chance after everything I did to Him. But being with Him meant that I had to confront pieces of me that I didn’t want to think about. Pieces I’d been told I should be ashamed of. 

First, I let my Little out of the box I’d kept her locked in.

But Daddy didn’t just want the happy, cute parts of me. It’s all or nothing with Him. He wanted my darkest desires and my most ridiculous wishes.

In figuring out & separating what I WANT from what I NEED, I’ve discovered that pain is one of those essentials for me. It calms the chaos in my head and feeds my demons in ways that nothing else does. 

Chapter 4: Pain? Really? 

Do you have to like pain to be a submissive? Short answer: no. Though many submissives do practice some form of sadomasochistic activity, like everything else, it is negotiable between you and whomever you decide to serve. How can anyone like to experience pain? Some people are just wired differently; for them, pain is directly erotic. Some people have orgasms from being flogged; others are highly aroused by nipple clamps. Keep in mind that pain is very subjective. What feels like pain to you may feel very different to me. It’s also about context. If you’ve ever experienced a hickey before, or found mysterious bruises the day after some strenuous sex, you already know how something that can feel like pain in one setting, can feel like pleasure when it’s part of something else. That’s why we say something “hurts so good.”

“How to Be a Happy & Healthy Submissive” by Kate Kinsey
My brain does not naturally make enough endorphins to boost my mood. Physical pain helps me to bring that level back up.

Because pain is a NEED for me as well as a want, it’s something Daddy is willing to do for me. But it’s also something (whether punishment or pleasure) that I can use my safeword at any time and He will stop.