Control, Illusions & Vices

con·trol

noun
1.the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events

verb
1.determine the behavior or supervise the running of.

il·lu·sion
noun
1. a thing that is or is likely to be wrongly perceived or interpreted by the senses.

2. a deceptive appearance or impression.

3. a false idea or belief.


vice
noun

1.immoral or wicked behavior.

2. an immoral or wicked personal characteristic.


In my life I’ve held tight to all 3. I spent a great deal of time and effort to change myself. My attitudes and my actions. And I did change on the outside. I was quiet, thought before I spoke. Walked away without needing the last word.

But on the inside I was a volcano waiting to erupt. I held myself so tightly that one tiny spark was enough to ignite an inferno.

When I started down this road with Daddy. I was still holding tight to that control. Thinking I could give Him some of me, but still hold back. In the last few days I’ve discovered that we can’t work like that. It’s all or nothing. And where He’s concerned I can NEVER do nothing. So all it is.

All the control I thought I had was just an illusion. I live at the mercy of a body that shuts down on some timetable of its own making. A mind that is (at times) unfamiliar to me.

Nearly dying should have shown me where I stood when it came to my precious control. But it just made me hold tighter to my illusions. The illusion that I was in charge of this crazy thing called life. Which I have realized I most certainly am NOT.

I can’t (for all my perceived power) control the weather, rotation of the earth, or gravity. I can’t control the rising or setting of the sun, or whether Pluto is a planet or not.

The ONLY thing I CAN control is MY behavior. MY thoughts. MY actions. I can’t control how others perceive those things. All I can do is keep myself grounded.

I’m still new to this whole world of TPE. Trust came easy. I’ve trusted Daddy since the moment I met Him.

But giving up the last of my illusory control has been a hard thing. Giving in to what I want. Telling someone else what I need and trusting them not to use it against me…trusting that when I do finally let go, they won’t let me fall.

​Do you believe you control your future by your choices or do you believe in fate?

This is one of those strange questions my friends and I used to ponder in the middle of the night after drinking way too much. It went hand-in-hand with this one; “If you could go back in time and change any ONE moment in your life what would it be and why?”

While I don’t believe that EVERY choice is controlled by fate & there’s nothing you can do about it; I do believe that the big things, the life changing things, are destined to happen.

Lessons we need to learn, people we need to know. That love you never forgot.

I couldn’t have lived the life I have without believing that there is some cosmic force out there (call it god/goddess/mother earth/bob) with some sort of master plan for me. Cause I’ve got no freaking clue what I’m doing.

I make choices, and change small things; circumstances/timing/location. But if it’s meant to be, I’m sure not going to stop it by stamping my foot & throwing a fit.

Having this belief has given me comfort that everything would work out how it’s supposed to  (eventually) even when little/middle me wants her “happily ever after” RIGHT DAMN NOW!!! Please and Thank you.

As for changing a moment in my life?

No way in Hell! To change any moment/event/decision would change everything that followed. Every experience, every tear, every slammed door & broken heart made me the woman I am today.